My foolproof plan for a long life

Maybe I'll finally learn to speak the local dialect well enough
to join this group of Altopascio anziani.

I think I got this life expectancy thing figured out. The average life expectancy for a male in the United States is 76. Italian males average 80 years. For females, it’s 81 in the States and 85 in Italy. If we continue to live in Italy for a quarter of each year, that should add one year to our lives, but that’s not much. So here’s my new plan: When I turn 77, we’ll move to Italy, full time, which should then add three more years for both of us, right?

And from our house in Tuscany, it’s only a few hours to San Marino, where men live to be 83, so before I reach my Italian age limit, it won’t be too tough to move to San Marino. The only downside to this plan is that San Marinese women only live to 84, so Lucy is going to have to stay behind in Tuscany. However, she’s almost a year older than I am already, so if she moves with me, we could die at the same time, saving some grieving and reducing funeral costs for our children, assuming they can find a buy one get one free coupon.

One other possibility I’m exploring is a move to the Italian town of Falciano del Massico, which in 2012 adopted an ordinance prohibiting its residents from dying (Not only is life beautiful here but death is now hereby forbidden). However, Italian laws are so numerous that the authorities don’t have time to enforce them all, and I’ve heard that this law has been flouted several times with no consequences, so I’m a bit skeptical. I think I’ll stick with plan A, which, after all, has science to back it up.