Though we're distant relatives, somehow we feel much, much closer

How can one explain the special bond that people often feel when they find out they’re related? Yesterday I had dinner with five cousins with the surname Seghieri that I’ve come to know in the past 15 years. I’m part of the Seghieri bloodline through my grandmother, Anita Seghieri. Our common heritage has come to light through my genealogical research (with a huge assist from eminent Montecarlo historian Dr. Sergio Nelli).

Emilio Seghieri, Pietro Seghieri, Paul Spadoni,
Davide Seghieri, Jean-Paul Seghieri.
Front: Flavia Seghieri.

Four of the cousins live in Montecarlo. The fifth, Jean-Paul Seghieri lives in France, as his great grandfather immigrated from Montecarlo to Marseille in the late 1800s. My grandmother Anita immigrated to America in 1909.

We enjoyed a long and sumptuous meal at Il Poggio, one of Montecarlo’s premiere restaurants. Conversations were in Italian, English and French, and our skills in communicating in other languages were put to the test. Fortunately, we had the help of the amazing and indefatigable Elena Benvenuti, who is fluent in all three languages.

We enjoyed the gourmet food and fine wines of Il Poggio, but I can say we derived even more pleasure in the shared camaraderie and warm fellowship. And this is not a once-off occurrence. The Seghieri families of Italy, France and the United States have experienced numerous reunions here in Montecarlo since we discovered our common heritage about 10 years ago.

Jean-Paul dips his cantuccio
in vinsanto, the traditional
Tuscan way to enjoy biscotti.

But it’s a strange and fascinating phenomenon. Jean-Paul is actually my 12th cousin, our common ancestor dating back to the 1400s. Pietro Seghieri is my 8th cousin, our family lines having branched off in the early 1600s. The same is true for Emilio, Davide and Flavia Seghieri, who are close relatives of Pietro. Why then, do we feel a strong sense of connectedness and commonality? Genetic research tells me that “a 12th cousin likely shares 0% of your DNA (statistically, the common segments usually wash out after the 8th or 9th generation).”

I put the question of connectedness to Gemini, Google’s artificial intelligence assistant, and I have to admit the answers were insightful and enlightening.

“Because you put in the effort to find each other through genealogy, you entered the dinner with a pre-existing intent to connect. This shared passion creates an immediate foundation of trust and common interest that most strangers don’t have. You weren't just meeting a person; you were meeting ‘family.’ Even if the nature (DNA) is weak or gone, the way your ancestors raised their children often persists as a ‘family style’ of communication or humor. In historical rural communities, people often married others with similar backgrounds, temperaments, or social standings. Over centuries, this can lead to a ‘population similarity’ where people from the same area share a general vibe or physical look, even if they aren't closely related on a specific family tree branch.

“This could also be a result of Psychological Mimicry.  When we find something we’ve been searching for (like a lost branch of a family tree), our brains often engage in confirmation bias. You might have subconsciously focused on traits that matched yours—like a specific laugh or a way of holding a fork—while ignoring the ways you are different. There is a powerful psychological bond in shared history. Knowing you all descend from the same person in the 1400s or 1600s creates a ‘tribal’ bond. You aren't just two individuals; you are two representatives of a single long-term survival story.”

Friends and spouses also joined us in celebrating our Seghieri family ties in a fine feast in Montecarlo.

I also believe that in the case of Jean-Paul and myself, we are drawn by our common interest in learning about our ancestral heritage. Gemini adds: “By researching your common ancestor and actually visiting or living in Montecarlo, you are both acting as ‘memory-makers.’ For many, especially those in the American or French diaspora, reclaiming ancestral stories provides a sense of grounding and personal narrative.”

As for our Italian cousins, the fact is, I have many other relatives in and around Montecarlo. Only a small percentage have shown a strong interest in establishing close family bonds with relatives from abroad. They have grown up knowing their roots, knowing that their ancestors have lived here for hundreds, even thousands, of years. They also know that they are already surrounded by relatives, both close and distant, and they realize that it’s not practical or possible to maintain close relationships with all of them. We are just fortunate that these particular Italian relatives have welcomed us with such warm and open arms. I’m proud to be part of the Seghieri family!